I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
