my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
