Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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