What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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