dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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