I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
