Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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