is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Farmville is her only friend.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize