I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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