i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
