Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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