Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
