can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
