you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
