Apparently you make a good broom.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize