it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Watching her eat just hurts me
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
