Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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