is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
