Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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