I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
