Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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