Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
