If that was your dad, he is hot
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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