On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
