It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
