I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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