There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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