my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
