How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize