It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
