i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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