literally had 100 drinks last night.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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