Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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