i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
