I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
soo... how was my night?
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