R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
