he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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