She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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