Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
