You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
