dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
