She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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