That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
