At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
