I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
