Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
