i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
