Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I need to align my fucking chakras
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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