just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Randomize
