I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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