Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
