This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize