I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
sex in a hospital.. check
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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