I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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