If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize