I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
being pregnant is like rehab
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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