It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
