Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
