I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
