Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
