I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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