I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Randomize
