the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
