Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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