My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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