It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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