I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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