If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
