Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
